when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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