Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
