I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
