I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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