I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
