One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
