i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
