she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
