WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
