I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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