i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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