the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
