I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
