now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
