My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Who died my cat blue again?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
