I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I came so hard my ears popped.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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