my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
