he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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