i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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