Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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