Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
