Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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