1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
