I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
