I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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