i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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