I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
