We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
