If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
