Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize