you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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