Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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