I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
