The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
