im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
