I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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