I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
