my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
