There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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