I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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