There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize