dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
