Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize