woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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