he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
