Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
