Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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