I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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