dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize