I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
