can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
