Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
