I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
