I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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