Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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