Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
