oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
