no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
