I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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