I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We need to get me chipped asap
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
