I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
